The Walking Dead: Characters I Care About and Why You Should Too

In honor of the mid-season return of “The Walking Dead” I wanted to get away from movies for a bit and talk about a show that millions of people, including myself, are anticipating each week.

If you’ve never seen the show, aren’t interested in zombies, or watched an episode and didn’t like it, I’m urging you to give it a chance. A lot of people will say “I don’t like scary shows,” or “I’m not a fan of blood and guts.” To which I say, “It’s not a show that relies on cheap scares. And the blood and guts are a minor part of what has been, and is always evolving as, an amazing dynamic between people of all different walks of life who are trying to cope with each other just as much as they’re trying to cope with this new world.”

Now, if I haven’t convinced you to go check out Season 1 on Netflix (all six episodes are there) and continue on to Season 2, then you may or may not want to keep reading. Below, I’ve described in detail my most and least interesting characters in this series, and why they’re making me want to keep watching, or why I forget they’re even involved with the show.

So if you don’t want me to ruin anything, go get caught up with the show and come back. But if you’re ready for some serious breakdowns of characters that I love to love and love to hate, continue on.

SPOILERS BELOW! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

Let me start out by saying that the more you continue down the page, the more I like the character. Basically the worst character is the first one you read about, the last character you read is the best (in my opinion), and everyone not listed falls right in the middle. Make sense? I hope so.

Quick show of hands. How many people forgot T-Dog was still with the group? I did, for a while. Mainly because he doesn’t have a purpose in the group besides complain and bleed. He may have been able to help out in Season 1, but as soon as he sliced open his arm and spilled a ridiculous amount of blood onto the pavement, he became utterly useless. The writers had a chance to elaborate of his character shortly after that moment, when he tells Dale they should just leave while the others are out searching for Sophia. I would have been a lot more interested if T-Dog had decided to try and desert the group. Instead, he just sits there for 6+/- episodes, not dying. Remember, Carl was shot in the stomach, and he’s up and walking now. Daryl fell down a hill, landed on rocks, got stabbed with his own arrow, pulled the arrow out THE WRONG WAY so the feathers went through his body, then got shot by Andrea in the head. And he was up the next day to help with the walker-massacre in the barn. All T-Dog did was fail to help pull the walker out of the well, and he was winded after that mess. If T-Dog were to die off in the next episode, I don’t even think the group would notice.

Dale was actually a pretty cool guy to watch in Season 1. He tended to mind his own business and was the wise old man. I really loved the moment he had around the fire in the original camp where he talked about his watch. He kept the watch not so he could remember the time, but so he could forget about it. It was pretty damn cool. But then he saves Andrea from the CDC building and now he’s all high and mighty. It must have been a huge decision, but Dale is now one of the key players in the show. And for what reason? He’s not Andrea’s father, but he acts like he is now. He takes away her gun. He scolds her. And he just seems like he’s trying really hard to have some importance in this group. He’s the guy who never sleeps. Ever. So he’s a great watchman from on top of the RV. But until the point where he tries to hide the guns from Shane, Dale just talks shit about everyone behind their backs. Yes, he can relate to Herschel because they have “being old” in common. But again, he’s butting into Herschel’s life, and his beliefs, without taking the time to think about what he’s doing. If Dale were to take a backseat like he did in Season 1, I wouldn’t mind him as much. But it’s like when Shane confronted him. Shane asks right to Dale’s face, “What do you do?” And Dale just stands there, afraid his bones will break from the pressure of Shane’s interrogation. IF Dale were to die soon, I would care. But I’d be grateful that I didn’t have him preaching for an entire episode.

Andrea is borderline for me. At the moment, she’s in that cocky “I have a gun and no man is gonna tell me I can’t use it” phase. The problem is, when she uses her gun, she almost kills Daryl. Luckily, those were probably the kinds of jokes Daryl was used to playing as a kid around the hillbilly shack, so he laughed it off. But, Andrea is also fresh off the “Dale, you saved me from blowing the hell up, but don’t tell me what to do because I don’t owe you shit” phase. Granted, she finally killed her first walkers, and she got the “gun fever” (hello, It’s Always Sunny fans) which caused her to grab Shane’s ‘gun’ and go for a ride. But she’s still really whiny. I’m not doubting her as a shooter. She was doing what she thought was right for the group by shooting at a potential walker. But she did disobey Rick’s, Herschel’s, and Dale’s orders/requests not to shoot. She’s a loose cannon, and not in a good way where it could drive a story. It’s getting to the point where she’s becoming the female version of Shane. After Amy dying in her arms, then reanimating in her arms, then dying again as Andrea ended it, she’s grown as cold as Shane is and Carl is becoming. I wouldn’t say I want Andrea killed off, but I think if she happened to leave the group to go off on her own, or even with Shane, it would be awesome to meet up with them again down the road. I think that she could really grow as a person in that world and as a character in our eyes if she lived by her rules and didn’t have the Ricks and Dales of the world holding her back and limiting her. She’s borderline annoying to me right now, with the potential to hop onto the good side really easily, as long as she can learn from the shit storms she’s causing and grow into a respected protector of the group.

(INSERT THE UNLISTED CHARACTERS INTO THIS SPACE)

You may be skeptical of my choice to have Lori Grimes in this spot, and you’re more than welcome to your opinions. But it’s my job to tell you why she’s a more dynamic character than anyone else on the show, except the two to follow on this list. Lori is one big ball of complexity, with her emotions jumping all over the place in almost every episode. And it’s completely justified with everything that she’s been through, above everyone else. She’s told her husband is dead. She has sex with her husband’s best friend. Her husband is actually alive. They make it to Atlanta for a cure. There is no cure, so Shane attacks Lori. Carl is shot. Rick is weak from losing a ton of blood for Carl. Shane, who she as told to leave, brings back medicine and equipment to save Carl. Lori is pregnant. She tries to kill the fetus with morning after pills (is that even a real option?), she decides to have the baby. She flips her car. I’d say she’s been on an even more erratic roller coaster ride than Andrea has, even though Andrea killed her own sister. And with all of this, she has to support every decision her husband makes, even if she doesn’t agree with some of them. He’s the leader, and she has to show confidence. That’s the way this world works now, and she has to deal with it.
So, even though she has to deal with all that crap, Shane comes along and brings up the point that he’s got a great chance of being the father of Lori’s baby. It’s like rubbing salt on a open wound. Shane has saved Lori and Carl time and time again, and he makes a point of letting Lori know this. But now he could be the father of another one of the Grimes family. I’m just waiting for the day when Rick snaps and he and Shane get into it. Overall, Lori keeps me interested because she’s a main thread tying the group together. She has a relationship with everyone in camp and most likely keeps people from killing each other. She can control even the most hot-headed of people, and she can lie like no other. Lori is smart and powerful, and I’d hate to see one of the lower-tier characters get on her bad side.

I bet a lot of people were expecting me to toss Daryl up to the #1 spot on here. Well, no such luck, kids. Instead he’s the runner up in this ranking system, but that shouldn’t take away from how great of a character he is to watch. The show brought this character in to do a few things. First, they wanted to balance out the nut job that is/was Daryl’s brother, Merle. You can’t have a character as crazy and “out there” in his ways as Merle without another half to his story. So you have Daryl, who’s abrasive at first, but turns out to be a really decent guy. Daryl is also there to prove that just because you look different or had an unconventional upbringing, it doesn’t mean you always fall into the stereotypes. He’s an expert tracker and he can live a very minimalist lifestyle, but he cared more than anyone about finding Sophia, including Sophia’s mom. And yes, it may have been because he wanted to make up for the short amount of time he looked for his brother, but he got angry at people for doubting they would find the girl. When you throw all these things together, without seeing a picture of him, you wouldn’t automatically see the image of Daryl from the show. What you get is your own personification of a genuinely nice guy who is willing to do what he has to for the greater good of the group, regardless of the cost or consequences. Basically, Rick/Shane. Which goes right back to when Carol said that Daryl was just as good as both Rick and Shane. Daryl breaks the mold, which had to be done. It’s a different world now, and people with Daryl’s skills combined with his personality are a commodity that can’t be spared.

This is it. The top character on The Walking Dead. Not only because of what he does, but also what he thinks, hides, and says. If you don’t agree that Shane is the most interesting and complex character on the show, skip this part. I won’t be offended. But like I’ve said earlier, my job is to support my opinions so you can see my side and if not agree with them, then accept them and move on. So here we go.
1) Before Rick showed up to camp, Shane was in charge. He was running a pretty tight ship and had no issues.
2) Shane was banging Lori under the assumption that Rick was dead. He was prepared to take over this family as his own.
3) He is a realist who knows that the only way to survive is to be ruthless and make the hard decisions that Rick skirts around.
4) Shane sacrificed Otis so he could escape a zombie onslaught.
5) Shane has been told to leave and stay, off and on again, by Lori, making him lose his allegiance to the group.
6) Andrea wants him but Dale hates him. Shane’s about a day away from killing Dale.
7) Lori’s baby might be his, but she won’t let Shane into that world.
Think about yourself in Shane’s shoes. You have to deal with people dying and then coming back to life all around you, your best friend “dying” and coming back into your life. A lot of people hate you and you’re inadvertently pushed into the 2nd spot behind Rick as leader. You’re losing everything you had in a very short amount of time. This is why Shane was ready to leave. He’s not in control anymore and he hates it. It finally boils over when he starts the barn massacre, and suddenly he’s got his power back. Now that he’s on top again, with Rick worrying about his family and Herschel, Shane has an opportunity to rule the school again.
I think we’re going to see an old version of Shane with some upgrades to his actions and personality that will have us with our jaws on the floor. Shane is building his army. He’s got Andrea where he wants her, and Daryl has nothing left to do but fight since he failed at finding Sophia. And T-Dog goes along with the strongest so he can survive. When that happens, all that will be left is Rick who is still “Mr. Nice Guy,” Glenn who barely knows how to use a gun, let alone kill his friends, and Dale, a geriatric who couldn’t shoot Shane even though no one else was around. I’m rooting for Shane to come out and become the bad guy we love to hate, and eventually the bad guy we love to love. If that ever happens, the show would have so many new options to address and there would be a ton of drama for the world to eat up.

Now, I know a lot of people will say “You forgot Rick! He’s such a nice guy and he’s really interesting!” And I have to say, “Is he really that interesting?”

Think about it. As a former cop, he’s supposed to be the moral compass for the group. Everyone looks up to him and he has to appear infallible. But his choices, even though Lori states that they’re not easy, are the safest ones, that any level-headed person would come to eventually.

That being said, I have a lot of faith that, in this second half of Season 2, Rick’s character is going to be doing a lot of changing. It’s already started with Rick being the one to step up and kill Sophia. And he’s taken a HUGE step out of his comfort zone by killing the two LIVING guys from Philly. It’s more of a Shane-move, which I think is going to be a good thing for both the group and the viewers.

So I’ll keep my eye on Rick in the coming episodes, and maybe this list will get a second look at the end of Season 2.

(Sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors. It’s another entry from my phone. Damn, this thing is handy. I know I’ll be lost without it when the zombie apocalypse actually happens.)

The 1st Amendment: “Red Tails” is Not That Good

I've always enjoyed this image.

I personally demanded a recount for my own review!

And so I give you My 1st Amendment:

I don’t want to be that guy who’s constantly changing his ratings of movies in hindsight. But this one is an exception, and it shouldn’t happen again for a while.

Let me explain.

I went to the screening of Red Tails with an open mind. I was really focusing on the flying aspect of it all and kind of pushed the rest of the film to the side. Sure, I’d perk up when Terrence Howard came on screen or when Cuba struggled to keep in character. But the flying had me so captivated, I couldn’t pay attention to anything else.

I said before that I hated the dialog so much that I wanted the guys to just get back in their planes and fly so they couldn’t talk anymore. This is still true.

I also watched a lot of interviews and read reports about George Lucas and his 20-something year crusade (give or take a few years while he got high on glue and designed Jar Jar Binks) to get this film made. He apparently took it to every studio and they all passed for different reasons. It could have been that the timing wasn’t right, or they didn’t think the effects would come off that well with the limited technology of the time, or simply that it wasn’t the kind of movie that they’re used to making.

All of this meant only one thing to George: EVERYONE is a racist for not making this movie!

And he’s practically come out and said this too. Lucas visited Oprah and practically had her in tears (the “sad” kind, not the “you’re shitting me, right?” tears that I would have been crying) because of this ATROCITY against black society. He also went on The Daily Show and proclaimed that this is the first time there has ever been an all-African American cast in a movie (*cough* Brian Cranston, the Nazis, and every other American pilot *cough*) which made him sound like even more of an ass.

He's managed to appear smug, scared, and indifferent, all at once.

Here are two links for you to check out, and I hope that you do because both have hilarious content.

THESE ARE BOTH SITES THAT DEAL WITH THE ENTIRE MOVIE, BEGINNING TO END…

SPOILERS AHEAD.

The first is from Red Letter Media’s “Half in the Bag.” A friend turned me onto this site and they have hilarious yet in-depth reviews that just make sense. And they make more sense if you’re drinking a beer along with the two hosts:

Red Letter Media – Half in the Bag – Red Tails

SIDE NOTE: Red Letter Media has extremely long, but extremely funny reviews of Star Wars Episodes 1, 2, & 3, as well as Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skulls. And ALL of these involve George Lucas and his wacky ideas. Definitely worth checking out!

The next site is a personal favorite, and really only makes sense after you read it. But if you’d like a taste of how ridiculous the film will be, this is a great resource. It’s from The Editing Room, where they re-write their own scripts of films into a hilarious read. They use the actors’ real names and pretty much write what happens on screen, with some exaggerations of course. This one is spot on:

The Editing Room – Red Tails

So, after all of that, I feel that I’m not doing the other films I’m rating justice by having them rank as closely as they are to Red Tails. It’s a shame, but the rating is changing, sadly for the worse.

My final FINAL rating: 4 out of 10.

Shut up, I’m allowed to do it!

And George, I’m not a racist. You just refused to listen to EVERYONE in Hollywood about how the movie was just a bad idea, even after your work with Episode 1 & Indy 4.

Project X: So You Want To Be One of the Popular Kids…

Gifts from the Project X after party... It hits theaters March 2nd. Go see it.

Project X

Dir. Nima Nourizadeh

Written by Matt Drake and Michael Bacall

Disclaimer: I honestly didn’t think this review would be as long as it is. Sorry, deal with it.

“Filmed in the style of a home movie, three high school seniors document a party for one of their birthdays with the hopes of making a name for themselves before graduation. As the night goes on, the party grows out of control as more people show up to this usually-quiet neighborhood.”

Having seen my fair share of loser-becomes-popular movies, it’s obvious that the best thing to do for everyone to think you’re awesome is to put all of your family’s possessions, including their house, up for trade so you can throw your school a party. It’s so simple!!!

That’s exactly what happens in Project X.

Let’s take a minute to do a bit of profiling, just to see if you fit the mold to see this film:

A) Are you a fan of deep plots that make you think about themes and motifs throughout the film?

B) Do you pride yourself on seeing movies that have the biggest names in front of and behind the camera?

C) Do you like partying til the break of dawn (or wish you still could, you old bastard) and piecing the night together the next morning?

If you answered “C” and are willing to overlook the lack of themes, motifs, and big names, then this movie is for you.

(I would have also accepted the lesser-known “D” answer: I throw/go to shitty parties and want to see what throwing/going to the greatest party on earth would look like.)

One more qualifying factor: If you could stand the camera work of “Cloverfield” then you’ll be fine with this film. It’s supposed to simulate a kid with a camera going through a party, so it’s not going to be shaking out of control and getting people “sea sick” at any time. It’s cleverly done and gives you the best opportunity to feel like, at times, you’re there partying with the hottest 18+ girls (and guys. I’m not naive enough to think there would be smokin’ hot chicks in California bringing their math tutors with them to rock out). And that’s all anyone ever wants, right?

It’s so well done that even when it’s 100% impossible, you believe the camera is there giving you the full picture. Whether the action goes from the kitchen to the roof suddenly, or the camera is instantly an underwater rig, or you can hear crystal clear audio through solid walls and windows. It doesn’t matter with a film like this.

They do incorporate some interesting ideas with getting footage, from camera phones, to news choppers, to 14-year olds with Flip cameras. It’s all meant to be thought of as a documentary that has cut all of this footage together.

This is a film that’s comprised of relatively unknown actors, which lends to its believability for a film about a random group of kids throwing a party with other randoms you don’t know. It works really well, because we’ve all seen the “fake nerds” on screen and note their impeccable comedic timing. In this, it’s all fluid.

And I like how they used their real names for the character names. That had to have helped with the realism as well. Think it’s weird? The same thing was done for certain characters in “Knocked Up.” There’s the link, check it out.

About our three main guys: Thomas (Thomas Mann), JB (Jonathan Daniel Brown), and Costa (Oliver Cooper). These guys are losers. JB seems like the perpetual loser. He’s the slightly larger nerd with glasses and curly, unkempt hair. He seems content with his role. Thomas acts like your typical “meek” high schooler. He stays out of other people’s ways. He minds his own business. He worries about everything.

Then you have Costa, who is the self-proclaimed ladies man and party guru, straight from Queens, NY. Except no one likes him at school and the girls steer clear of him. But the one thing he seems to have is money, as he’s paying for Thomas’s party. He’s also responsible for how out of hand it all gets, but I won’t ruin much for you.

The guys, save for Costa, don’t seem to mind the average life they’re living. Thomas is quite happy to get the family mini-van as a birthday gift, while Costa thinks it couldn’t get any more lame. It’s a pretty confusing group of people, as far as how they all ended up together. And to add to that confusion, they’re all, for some strange reason, friends with Kirby (Kirby Bliss Blanton) who is an attractive blonde that doesn’t seem like one of the “populars” either.

Now for the comic relief:

If there’s one creepy guy out of the three I’m including below, it’s the shady drug dealer T-Rick (Rick Shapiro) who rounds the corner of his house in a bathrobe, stoned.

The boys go to pick up some weed from this dude, and in the process, steal a lawn gnome from T-Rick’s table. As they’re leaving with the drugs they bought, T-Rick chases after them, angry as hell about the boys taking his gnome. Angry enough to chase them for a few blocks. It’s a truly random scene, but it’s a memorable one.

Pete Gardner is in the film as an apparently awesome beer pong player and master at partying in general:

Pete Gardner aka Bacon Neck.

And so is Martin Klebba, who gets shoved into a tight space, but gets some serious revenge:

I know him best as Randall from "Scrubs"

If you’re looking for the plot, it’s as simple as this: “A loser suddenly has 2,000 people at his house loving him for the amazing party that’s happening. But they go into his house and start breaking stuff and the destruction continues through the night. How will this kid cope with what’s going on around him?

It’s not in-depth at all. Because if it were any more than that, you wouldn’t find the party fun. You’d think, “Those kids are dicks for wrecking the house. How will Thomas fix this all? I’m worried about him and I want the fun to stop now!” Not the best thing for your 88 minute movie in which about 80 are at the party…

Oh, I forgot. There’s also a sub-plot that you find out about half-way through the film and forget about until 3/4 of the way through. Then you forget about it again until the last minute. It’s about Thomas, and how two girls desperately want him. The “hottest girl in school” and “that girl who’s one of our best friends and has always been around, but I kind of like her now that I’m drunk…” Both want Thomas at different times and, because he’s such a “loser” he can’t make up his mind!!! Insanity!!!

I will say that the on-screen relationship between Thomas and Kirby is pretty amazing. Whatever they did to prepare for the roles worked magnificently because it genuinely sounded like two friends talking, rather than scripted dialog that teens are trying to recite.

Like any film, there are flaws. I’m not going to go too deep, because most are easily over-looked. But when the cops show up to your house and you manage to keep 1,000+ people quiet in your back yard, then you “out law” the cops (shut up, I know what I just did there with outlaw and out law. I’m clever like that) who tell you they don’t want to have to come back, you may want to scale it down a notch.

Instead, another 1,000+ people show up, which would undoubtedly have a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th neighbor calling the cops right away. But the police are suspiciously absent for a long stretch, leading me to believe they thought they were getting a bunch of prank calls from punks in that pristine suburb…

Also, as much as I may like the kid who’s throwing the party and his family, I wouldn’t call the dad’s cell phone at 2am telling him his son is being loud. That’s just a dick move on my part for waking the dad on his anniversary vacation. I’m going to those lazy-ass cops myself. But what fun would this film be if the party got shut down at midnight??

In the end, I’m pretty sure no one died at this party, which is pretty impressive for the “guests-to-danger” ratio. And it wraps up nicely. You’ll be wondering all the way through how this gets fixed, and you’re given what you need to know at the end.

And if you start poking holes in the film’s ending, you missed the point of this film altogether. It’s to show something awesome in a style that has just been touched upon, and have people not only cracking up in the theater, but wishing they could be a part of something so epic.

My final rating: 7.5 out of 10

Everyone enjoys a great “turn off your brain and watch” movie, and this one is at the top of the list for 2012. It’s got a story that most people can relate to and enjoy, and at times, when you’re not staring at topless cuties, you’ll really feel bad for the kid. That is, until more topless cuties jump into the pool and start having chicken fights…

Yup…

So in the end, it’s pretty obvious what you have to do to become one of the popular kids at school. And it’s all packaged nicely for you in this film. But I should write some sort of disclaimer about the ending so no one tries to sue anyone…

Let’s see, how about this:

“In the case of high schoolers, or any “schoolers” for that matter, deciding to hold a party to impress the popular kids, resulting in the total destruction of not only all of their parents’ worldly possessions, but the worldly possessions of the surrounding neighborhood families, Warner Brothers, Todd Phillips’ awesome Green Hat Films, and the writer for turnoffpagersandcellphones are not at fault for guiding these people into the decisions they make in order to create an undoubtedly buzz-worthy party that will have them well-known for the last 2 months of high school, before they are thrust back into mediocracy once they go to college and are surrounded by people they don’t know.”

It’s all legit.

It’s a “Big Miracle” that Drew Barrymore is Still Acting

Big Miracle  

Big Miracle came out a while ago, but here's a picture for it.

Dir. Ken Kwapis

Written by Jack Amiel & Michael Begler (Screenplay)

and

Thomas Rose (Book)

Stare at the word ‘Miracle’ for a while and see if it looks as strange to you as it does to me now….

An aspiring reporter in Alaska happens upon three grey whales who are stuck at a small opening in the ice, unable to make it to open water without air. Thanks to this initial report, the world realizes that these whales are in trouble and people from all walks of life begin to lend a hand.

Solid fairy tale story from Disney. Good job, boys. You churned out another money maker.

……..What?

This is based on a true story? And Disney didn’t have anything to do with it?

Well….. Okay, then.

Anyway, if you’re wondering whether or not this movie is right for you or a member of your party, please consider these credits for the writing team involved in this film:

Exhibit A: Julia Stiles’ grammatically incorrect “The Prince and Me“

Exhibit B: The film that thrust Tim Allen back into the spot light, “The Shaggy Dog“

Exhibit C: One single episode of “Malcolm in the Middle” – Lois vs. Evil

If any of these interest you, you’re heading in the wrong direction, because this film seems to have been written with care, surprisingly. Maybe because there was a book to base the events and dialog off of. They didn’t have that luxury while writing their 2 episodes of “Who’s the Boss” “The Tony Danza Show.”

Ok, I don’t mean to be harsh. Let’s get into the meat of it all:

The acting was actually really good. Even if I can’t stand Drew Barrymore. I guess her agent said “Let’s give people a more substantial reason to hate you by making you a Green Peace activist who doesn’t wear make-up and cares about animal life over human life.”

The key to this film was the comedy. It’s sometimes not the happiest tale, but when you fill the dull moments with jokes from trained comic actors, you get something special.

John Krasinski is Jim from The Office. He’s taken out of that environment and tossed into one that’s also got him as one of the most level-headed people in the state. His news story is given to a major network, picked up by more major networks, and people everywhere take notice. He’s had a relationship with Drew Barrymore’s character before and she feels compelled to rush up to Alaska to lend a hand somehow.

Drew Barrymore is typecast as an Annoying Person. To make it worse, she has all 43(+/-) members of Green Peace behind her. She makes it her number one goal to go to Alaska and save these “gentle” creatures, even if she puts her own life at risk and tells the natives that they’re not allowed to kill the whales, even though that’s exactly what they’ve done for sustenance for hundreds of years. Damn white women, messing with rituals and shit.

Ted Danson is Ted Danson, an old rich guy who wants to destroy Alaskan animal preserves for more oil.* He faces opposition from Drew Barrymore and the rest of her hippies, but gets onto America’s good side when he donates his ice-breaking equipment to help free the whales, just for the good press. Your typical scum bag move. But people can change, right?

Stephen Root is in this film. Only for about a minute or two, but he’s hilarious as ever. Don’t know who he is? Take a look at his photo and you’ll know right away.

Stephen Root

Kristen Bell provides the love interest who helps “Johnny K” get even more fame. But when she proves that she has no compassion and only cares about the story, “JK” realizes she may not be the one… She’s not a bitch, but she definitely doesn’t have a heart. She’s actually pretty close to her role in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

John Michael Higgins and Rob Riggle fall into the same category of hilarious, except Higgins plays his jerk-character that he’s known for and Riggle sticks as a home-town hero with subtle jokes. Higgins is there to oppose Bell’s character in the news world. And all Riggle wants to do is prove that his invention works by helping keep the whales’ air hole from freezing over. Both comedic geniuses in my mind.

Dermot Mulroney is one of my heroes of 2012, thanks to his acting in “The Grey” last month. And even though this is supposed to be a family movie, he still puts on a bad-ass persona and seems like the one person with a major flaw that he’s hiding. It takes a smokin’ hottie from the White House, Vanessa Shaw, to help him out of his funk. You may remember Vanessa from her role in the 2001 hit “Corky Romano.”

SIDE NOTE: The real life Col. Scott Boyer that Mulroney is playing should be on his knees thanking the production for making him look 100x more awesome than he really was. Wait for the photos during the end credits and you’ll get what I mean.

There was a mix of Animated and Practical effects used to bring the whales to life. For the first sighting of the whales, the three of them pop their heads out of the water to get their breaths, then submerge again, and continue to do so for the rest of the film. These are the practical whale heads that operators off-screen control. They’re very well done and you get a sense that these puppets are whales that are really in danger.

Then there’s the CG underwater crap they show, capped off with Barrymore’s character deciding to go into the water with the whales, despite every whale expert telling her that the whales will kill her. Well, that doesn’t happen. Sorry, here’s your post-spoiler SPOILER ALERT.

The whales don’t look terrible, but the underwater close up shots of Barrymore do. They add CG bubbles on the sides of her mask and provide random light sources, attempting to mimic the sin going through the waves above. The problem is, there are no waves above. It’s ice. Poorly done and it really took me out of it.

One final note: The US, right after the Cold War fiasco, decides that in order to save these whales, they had to call the Russians and ask if they could borrow their ice-breaking ship. Like it was a hedge trimmer they were borrowing from their neighbor’s garage. Reagan calls up the Russians, who then ‘break the ice’ and free the whales.

Get it? It’s a metaphor!!!! Hooray, knowledge!!!!!!!

My final rating: 7.5 out of 10

This is a quality movie for anyone to go see. Your kids will like the animals. Teens will like the familiar faces helping them through the crisis. Young adults will like the eye candy, whether it be Kristen Bell in “snow bunny” getup, or the rough and tough soldier with a heart made for melting (women like that, right?) And adults will enjoy the jokes tailored for the more mature crowd, along with actors they’re familiar with.

They never put someone in a role they weren’t right for, and it was a major strength for this film. I just can’t get over that terrible underwater animation of the whales missing their chance to thrash Drew Barrymore with their tails.

Such a tragedy.

*There is no proof that Ted Danson wants to, or has ever wanted to, destroy Alaskan animal preserves to get oil. Though if he wanted to get started now, he’d probably be dead by the time he had to show up to court…

Harry Potter and the Woman in Black*

The Woman in Black

The Woman in Black is out today, Feb. 3

Dir. James Watkins

Written by

Susan Hill (novel)

and

Jane Goldman (screenplay)

A young lawyer travels to a remote village where he discovers the vengeful ghost of a scorned woman is terrorizing the locals.

I want to start out by saying that when it comes to scary movies, I am not a brave man.

Scary movies and snakes…

I will spend a night out in the woods. I will walk the streets of Brooklyn at 2am. But if you put me in a movie full of those “SURPRISE!!!” scares (or get me within 5 feet of any kind of snake) I will have my teeth clenched for an hour and a half and my hands will be ridiculously sweaty.

This film capitalizes on using SHADOWS, EMOTIONLESS CHILDREN, and the CREEPIEST TOYS you’ll ever see in a child’s room.

All of that being said, I put on my big boy pants and went to see The Woman in Black. I wanted to see Daniel Radcliffe in a role that didn’t involve him using wizardry.

Let’s get into it. The film starts out with three little girls throwing themselves out a second story window after seeing the title character, this terrible “person” referred to as the Woman in Black. It’s a surprisingly unsettling open to the film. But I felt like I knew what I was getting myself into.

Not really.

Arthur Kipps (Daniel Radcliffe) is the lawyer who is in charge of taking care of the final documents involved with a recently deceased woman’s house in a small town, some time in the early 1900′s, I’m assuming. Once there, he’s told to go away by practically everyone, save for the richest man in the country who owns the only car in the country (Hmm… thanks for telling us this. Maybe Harry Arthur can use this info later in the movie to his benefit…)

It seemed like his work was done before he even got off the train. He meets his contact who says the work has been done and that Arthur could go home. But, being the pencil-pushing perfectionist that he is, Arthur decides to ignore everyone and go out to this house himself and look for paperwork to do.

CREATIVE TIMEOUT: This old house is located on an island. This island is not very big; just enough room for a mansion, a graveyard, and some shrubs surrounded by rocks. This island is only accessible by one road. And this road is surrounded by water that FLOODS THE ROAD AT HIGH TIDE, TWICE A DAY, trapping anyone on the island until the tide goes back out.

Now I’ve been told by a post-production friend that what I saw was not actually real. That the island-inhabiting house, the winding flood-prone road, and the island itself may have been faked. But I told him I saw it with my own two eyes, so it had to be real. Why would a movie have things in it that were fabricated? It just doesn’t seem right.

TIME IN: So, after that description of the island and mansion, why would anyone want to go there?

Here’s a better question: After seeing this Woman in Black on multiple occasions, getting the crap scared out of him by ghosts inside and outside the building, and hearing noises all over the house, why would Harry Arthur (sorry, I can’t help it) choose to STAY THE ENTIRE NIGHT ALONE?

Answer: No one in this time period had ever seen a horror film, so Arthur don’t know that he was being stupid.

As for the effects, the CG ghosts and stuff like that were done well enough. But they’re nothing we haven’t seen before. Of course I was scared when they popped out of shadows, but who wouldn’t be? What really stuck with me were the moments when there was no sound effect and nothing popping up. Instead we just see a head turn from the shadows behind Arthur, and I know something terrible COULD have happened.

This film functions very well as a creepy movie. But when it crosses the line into cheap scares, it fails after the 4th or 5th “Boo!”

And in case anyone was wondering, there’s literally 5 seconds of blood on screen in this film. It’s not a gore-fest, so no need to worry about that.

But there are a lot of instances of children being swayed to kill themselves. If that’s something that would bug you, don’t see this film.

My final rating: 6 out of 10

Daniel Radcliffe is no longer Harry Potter, despite the title of this post. He’s quite impressive here, even if he doesn’t look old enough to have a child (The sideburns were a strange choice, but I got over that quickly). And I was genuinely scared pretty much all the way through. But it felt like a poorly told ghost story at a family campfire.

It’s a good movie to go to if you just want to be spooked a lot. But the story is weak, if it’s even there. And it just felt like everything we saw on screen, combined with anything we learned about our characters, meant nothing and we were just in a haunted house for 90 minutes.

*If you’ve gotten this far and still think the title of the movie is actually “Harry Potter and the Woman in Black,” then I hate you.

Kill List: The UK Action/Suspense/ Thriller/Horror Film that Will Haunt Your Dreams

Kill List hits US theaters on February 3rd

Dir. Ben Wheatley

Written by Amy Jump & Ben Wheatley

What the hell did I just watch???

It’s a good thing there was a bar attached to the theater because I needed a drink or 3 to figure out what had just happened on that screen.

Sorry, let me get you the synopsis and I’ll continue with this review:

“Nearly a year after a botched job, a hitman takes a new assignment with the promise of a big payoff for three killings. What starts off as an easy task soon unravels, sending the killer into the heart of darkness.”

I thought it sounded like it was going to be a suspense/action movie filled with shooting and killing all over the place. I was just a bit little thrown off when the promo flyer said it was “Bloody Disgusting’s Top Horror Film of 2011“.

Turns out I was not disappointed. This film started out as a family drama, shifts into suspenseful “hitman-style” action, falls suddenly into a bloody torture film, quickly moving into a revenge film, and then scaring the hell out of me as a terrifying horror sequence hit me out of nowhere.

If you can’t tell already, even though it’s covering a lot of genres, it’s very artsy and not for everyone. If you’re a fan of any of the “genres” that the film touches on, then you may like the style of Kill List. Oh, also there are these convenient title cards before each ‘hit’ the characters go into, so you won’t be confused. (Attention: “MP” in this film means “Member of Parliament,” not “Military Police” as we found out straight from the director.)

(I should mention that this film had been released in the UK back in September 2011, but is just now hitting America.)

The Director: I had the pleasure of participating in a Q&A with director Ben Wheatley immediately after the screening of his film. He gave us some great insight into the making of the film and other aspects. With an amazing accent, Wheatley told us that the filming was completed in just three 6-day weeks. That’s damn impressive. And I’m a guy who’s worked on a film for an identical period of time and the end result of our adventure… Well, let’s just say Kill List had a little better luck compared to our project.

Wheatley also responded to a question about his casting, stating that he had worked with all of his cast before at different times, had them all in mind for Kill List, and tailored the roles and dialog especially for each actor. An interesting note, Wheatley had the actors do a take that was scripted, followed by a take that was in the actors’ own words, then back to a scripted take again. This undoubtedly made sure that a performance would feel genuine and please both the director and the cast.

The Cast: The cast for this film was strong. The film started off slowly, almost like a family drama. But once I learned more about the characters, the energy skyrocketed and I was floored by sudden bursts of emotion. It was always a pleasant surprise when someone would ‘blow up’ out of nowhere, taking the rest of the group off guard, only to be back in a loving relationship in the next scene.

I didn’t think much of Neil Maskell at the start of the film. He plays such a ‘nobody’ to start, I had trouble sympathizing with him. But once I learned more about his character, and thought about the few details of his troubled past, I began to love the performance I was watching. The transformation from loving family man into impulsive lunatic with a gun happened so quickly, I found myself with my jaw dropped just trying to comprehend what had happened.

To balance out the craziness that was Neil Maskell’s character, Jay, there was Michael Smiley playing Jay’s long-time friend and hitman partner Gal. We first meet Gal when he arrives for dinner at Jay’s. He’s a fun-loving guy who jokes around and drinks a bunch. He even seems to have a new ‘plaything’ with Emma Fryer‘s character Fiona (She’s pretty damn creepy in this film). But Gal is actually the level-headed man with the plan, and tells Jay there’s a job waiting for them. As the job goes on, Gal struggles to understand Jay as the craziness continues to ramp up.

Jay’s wife Shel, played by MyAnna Buring, is a joy to watch. I don’t know how she does it, but it seems as though she can just flip a switch and go absolutely crazy on Jay, then turn it off and smile lovingly. She’s a woman at her end with all the faith in the world in a husband who doesn’t have faith in himself. Let me tell you, the fights that Shel and Jay have, even off screen, sound extremely real, to the point it’s scary and awkward, like you shouldn’t be listening.

Weapons, Torture, and Practical Effects: Attention film nerds, indy filmmakers, and anyone interested in making believable practical effects such as torture methods or, let’s say, beating someone to death with a claw hammer. If you fall into any of these categories, then please see this film and keep your eyes wide open for the hit on “The Librarian” (remember to keep track with the convenient title cards).

I don’t think I’ve seen anything recently that comes close to the life-like brutality that I saw in this film. I saw some CG blood from a bullet wound early on and my stomach sank. But when I saw the damage done to one unfortunate man, my eyes were wide and jaw dropped, again.

I’d have to watch the film again to see exactly how some of the effects were done, but I think it’ll be a spectacle for anyone interested in making fake gore effects. The realism makes some of it hard to watch, but because it looks so real, you’ll want to keep looking to see if you can confirm that it was fake. That scene stuck with me for the rest of the picture and had me freaked out way after the film was over.

But if you really want to have the crap scared out of you, wait until you see the people involved in the cult toward the end. I know you’re probably pretty confused right now with all the directions I’m taking this topic, and that’s a good thing because I don’t want to tell you too much. But I knew once I got home that I would have nightmares featuring the masked attackers from the cult. If this film gets popular enough, I predict the hot new costume of the year will be inspired by this film. And I will stay indoors so I’m not scared by those freaky things.

Faults: The major areas this film suffered were the slow beginnings. I liked that it took a little effort for us to figure out what was happening, but it seemed to drag just a bit until Gal and Fiona show for dinner. It didn’t take me out entirely, but I was definitely itching to see some solid action. I mean, Jay just pulls out a semi-automatic rifle from a crate in his garage to show Gal, and I just thought “Finally,” even though they didn’t use it until later (What’s the saying about showing a gun in the first act?). But if a slow pace was the only problem for this film, and I was in awe the rest of the time, I say that’s just fine.

My final rating: 8.5 out of 10

Kill List is a film for people who want a little bit of art in their action movie. People who want blood and guts in their family drama. And especially for people who like the idea of an action/suspense/thriller/horror/drama combination film. It’s different and not everyone will like it, but there is a group of people, along with myself, who will really enjoy and appreciate this film.

Kill List deserves a second, and maybe even third, viewing just to go back and piece everything together. Thinking back to the beginning, there are definitely both blatant and subtle hints about what will happen in the end. It’s a thrill ride. It’s a confusing tornado of a film. And the shit inside of it will haunt your dreams for days.

Go see this film.